How To Have A Long Marriage

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4

When you see an elderly couple together who have been married for 50 plus years, you might be tempted to think, how did those two people manage to stay married for all of those years? 

I’ve met people like this and asked them that very question. One of the wisest responses I received was from a couple who said they had to have a lot of grace for one another. In other words, they said they had to forgive one another a lot! 

It’s true that in marriage our biggest hardships will come as a result of our spouse. They have the ability to hurt us in ways no one else can. They can hurt us and bring us to tears and we are sometimes helpless against it. The really frightening part is that we have that same ability. We will inevitably hurt our spouse in ways we can’t comprehend either and many times it won’t even be on purpose. 

These accidental wounds that we inflict can only be resolved one way - forgiveness. One way we could describe marriage is a lifelong journey of forgiveness. I believe God gives us a spouse to teach us how to truly forgive and to work through conflict. It’s sad that so many of us have grown up with these delusional ideas that pain is not a part of marriage.

Trials or conflict are one of the primary ways that God produces growth in us. He uses the pain that we experience in our marriages to turn us into the person he wants us to be. Yes it hurts. No, we shouldn’t be hurt in that way. But does God use those hurts? Yes he does. 

When we embrace this thinking, it can not only have a profound impact on our marriage, it can have a huge impact on all of our relationships, because the truth is we have been hurt by many of our friends and family members and God is trying to heal us from those pains. Part of of that process is forgiveness. This doesn’t mean that we don’t need to put up boundaries in some cases, but it does mean that we can’t allow the bitterness of unforgiveness to take root sin our lives. 
God gives us grace and His expectation is that we will give the grace that we receive to others. Freely you have received, freely give. Too often though we withhold that grace from our spouse. We hold him or her to a higher standard than what we hold ourselves or even what God holds us to! True forgiveness is the answer. Forgive them. Stop holding them up to a standard that you yourself cannot match. Don’t wait for them to seek forgiveness and certainly don’t wait for them to deserve it. Go and give that forgiveness today. 

Prayer - Lord, you know that my spouse has hurt me in many ways. You know that I have also hurt my spouse in far too many ways as well. Please forgive me and help me to forgive them. Help me to give the grace that I am so anxious to receive. Help me to truly forgive and heal me of any hurt in my heart. In Jesus name, amen.